To be or not to be: Is he right for you?

It is not actually easy to look in the mirror and see a singleton again. After years of a considerably affectionate relationship, it is completely overwhelming for me, and I am sure for some of us, to assimilate that unnerving feeling of spinsterhood that is, unfortunately, negatively associated with the female species. Maybe sometimes it could be great to flirt wantonly outside, and walk around in your house and not care about how your smudged make-up, and snuggle into bed without having to share any of your best pillows. However, these little bonuses usually tend to fly out of our heads when faced with the big question. And for those of us that are committed but confused, we might come to that point where we either think, yeah, he’s loving and caring, perfect even, but… is this who I really see myself with? Nothing’s wrong. I’m just not really committed to this relationship.

Someone very remarkable warned me that the mind of a woman can change within a millisecond, and sure enough, most of us find ourselves tossing back and forth endlessly with this problem, unsure of whether to commit to him or forget it completely. Personally, as a sceptic, I would generally expect girls to value themselves highly and say a simple ‘no’ to the question in any case, but diplomacy would compel me to express otherwise.

Some of us would actually say yes (or have said yes) for various reasons perhaps because inter alia, we have a phobia for the single market and have never been a spinster for more than three weeks, or because he was there for us at that most vulnerable time, and he suddenly begins to look like he could be ‘more than a friend’. Don’t forget the classic situation that we have been single for too long not to be star-struck at the first available offer. The truth is that very individual is unique and every relationship or budding relationship is likewise distinctive to the two parties. Therefore, because of this individuality I would ask you if you are asking the right questions. What about questions like are YOU right for HIM? Do YOU expect more? What do YOU want? What about developing a narcissistic attitude when asking such questions? It is surprising how many girls jump right into committing and very quickly begin to wonder what attracted them in the first place. The tall, broad shoulders, the Aston Martin, or maybe that sexy, cheeky grin?

Whatever lures you at any stage of your relationship to think about these issues should not necessarily be followed by a pang of regret or disappointment (as is very common). But whatever question you decide to ask yourself, whatever magazine tips you read to help you make up your mind about him, it would be advisable to seriously take into account the fact that your relationship is specific to you and to him, and the both of you are the most important people to consider, most especially you. You are the one to balance the individualities and technicalities of your relationship and understand what makes it different from that of your friend’s, or those around you. Many girls tend to generalise the situation because they do not even know what they want in the first place, although that is not to say that we must all be definitely sure of ourselves, but we should at least have an idea.

This is actually a question of self-awareness, in the sense that the title questions how much you really know yourself. How well can you describe the man in question? Does he behave in a manner that is compatible with you? Moreover, how much and how well do you tolerate it, in other words, what exactly is causing you to ask the question about him? From this starting-point, maybe you could get a few tips for the answers to the bigger question. Sometimes it can be scary to find out that your boyfriend for over a year can do certain things you did not think he could at first when he was really sweet and perfect. If you could sort out your differences, maybe that is what makes the relationship stronger. Maybe not. Most of us have friends in interracial relationships who feel very conscious of the situation. Some of us are not comfortable with his age, or maybe you are gay. If you know yourself very well you can understand what you are comfortable with, and how much other factors influence your own decisions (assuming these are healthy factors).

We have friends who still live the past by hanging on to the memories of their relationship and using it as a mental barrier from facing present realities.